Single Mom Christmas – Do we put too much expectation on ourselves?

I remember the first year I went through Christmas as a single mom, 7 years ago. I had always loved Christmas, it was my favorite holiday. The love, the joy, the cheer, sharing family time, tradition, food, and love. It truly warmed my heart. On Christmas night I would stay up listening to the non-stop Christmas music marathon on the local radio station, WSRS, until it ended at midnight (wishing it wouldn’t end)… until next year. How could I do this on my own? There is too much involved and not just the financial expense of getting all of the presents on my own, but the time needed to do all the things, all the cooking, volunteering in their classrooms, attending musicals and shows, being present in a meaningful way with my kids, continuing to work full time through it all. This was something that meant so much for me to continue, but was I putting too much expectation on what I could reasonably do? I was scared. 

I still desperately wanted to provide the lighthearted joy the season brought for my kids, but I was scared I couldn’t do it alone, scared I would fail and they would be disappointed. There is so much expectation around Christmas today verus back in the fabulous old 80’s and 90’s. And I wasn’t just alone, but I was in a divorce battle with a narcissist, and I’m not using that term as a buzz word. This man was actively and continuously trying to harm me, financially, mentally and physically. He had no regard for the fact that harming me also meant harming his own children, who I cared for 90% of the time. Any expectation of help or extending of peace offerings to work together didn’t just fail, but would be weaponized against me, so there was no help available, it all fell on me. So I was scared.  

So I focused my efforts on making everything as close to the same and ‘normal’ that I possibly could, despite the fact I was emotionally in turmoil, despite the fact he was not paying temporary orders for child support and living expenses as court ordered.  The court takes months and months to react, and if you have a litigious ex with many monetary and legal resources at his disposal, even the most cut and dry battles can take months and cost tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. I was being legally abused while trying to make Christmas magical for my kids. I was scared.  

Being a single mom is a whole lot of figuring things out without letting your kids know you’re trying to figure it out. You don’t want to put that stress on them, so you hide the feelings of panic and worry.

So we went to pick out our Christmas tree at the farm we usually visit this time of year.  I had to figure out how to get it home, the kids at this point were 8 and 12 so too young to help, so I decided to shove it in the back of my SUV.  We got the tree home, the 3 of us managed to set it up in the stand and get the lights on and began decorating.  My daughter did not want to decorate the tree, and I sensed the memories were making her sad, so I did not force her.  Christmas ornaments hold memories from years and years, and it can be heartbreaking for an adult to look back, nevermind a child. Sometimes memories provoke happiness, sometimes grief. My son was still very joyous and excited to decorate and help. I was scared my daughter would never find the joy again.

After we got the tree set up, I made a nice snack board and we watched a favorite Christmas movie just like we had always done.  It felt different, but at the same time comforting.  I was proud I was able to do this myself, it seemed like a small component of making Christmas, but it was an important tradition I was able to keep. Still, I was exhausted. I was suppressing so many emotions to keep this light and happy for the kids, but I was also dealing with the crush of memories, of a future that was no longer, of a smaller holiday gathering, of the stress of gift buying on my own. There are so many things all rolled into one at Christmas which makes it stressful for a mom, nevermind a single mom with no one to support you.  I was scared I wouldn’t be able to make it special.

After the kids went to bed, and as I gazed at the beautiful tree, all I could think was this may be the last year I’m able to do this, in their house they are familiar with. This may be the last Christmas I can financially support them.  We may have to move in with my parents, or who knows. I had no idea how I would go from being a stay at home mom/ new Realtor to supporting this family I loved so much. I was in survival mode trying to protect them and make them feel safe, but I was scared I wouldn’t be able to support us.

As I gazed at the decorated house that brought my children security and comfort, I thought about the holiday that was supposed to bring joy and cheer and love… but I couldn’t help but to feel scared.