To say deciding who to marry is one of the biggest decisions of your life is an understatement. Your marriage shapes your entire future. For centuries in most cultures marriages were arranged, by older (debatably wiser) adults with various goals for the marriage or union. Nowadays for the most part we choose our own partner, also for various reasons. Which reasons matter the most in choosing who to marry? Love or pragmatism? Can a marriage exist without true romantic connection and emotional truth?
I chose my first husband partly because my mother pushed me toward him. I didn’t see this at first, but you know, what they say about hindsight is true. He had a good family, they had financial security, his father was a hard worker. Financial security is relative and easy to fake for optics sake, just because his father is a hard worker, does not imply the son will take on those traits, and many people hide the true nature of their families. Again, the importance of optics in life appears here. And my marriage failed miserably.
David confided in me early on that his marriage was pragmatic. It was companionship based, built on and similar life goals, as well as timing based, she was a few years older than him as well so already had herself set in his mind as a mother figure. They were both getting older and this was the next logical step. But David also admitted to me it was not ever a romantic emotional connection, deep love, passion or attraction he felt toward Jocelyn. He felt Jocelyn made a sensible match for where his next life step was leading, marriage, establishing a family and having kids. They had similar goals, he knew she would be a good mother and run the household while he could focus on working. David said he liked that she had a big family (even though he later admitted their political points of view turned out to be a turn off).
David also admitted that he liked the fact that she was not particularly attractive. He was self-aware enough to know that he had struggled with jealousy issues, so she made a safe choice since he wouldn’t have to worry about other men chasing her. One of the more unsettling things he admitted is that they got into an argument on their wedding night because he wanted to go out and keep partying with their friends and family, while she wanted to connect with him on their wedding night. This might be a whole other entry, but the point here is, if on your wedding night you don’t even want to spend it physically with your wife, that’s a big problem. They both should have seen that immediately. David had told me in more than one conversation how he was never physically attracted to Jocelyn and she had no sexual drive, so their sex life was always either awful or non-existent. And he was ok with that because I guess that’s the price you pay for having someone you aren’t jealous of and that is a good wife on paper.
So my musings are: is this the right way to go into marriage? David was clearly never going to be satisfied with the scenario, but convincing himself that he would be. It’s only logical that at some point he would stray. And David admitted to me he started straying and seeking validation elsewhere only a year or so into the marriage. He went home with a girl one night during a business trip hoping she would invite him in (she didn’t); he kissed another girl at a business event, etc. David was clearly trying to force himself into this marriage of optics, of what he felt was the right decision, but denying his emotional truth never leads to happiness or a fulfilling life. He checked some boxes, but missed the bigger picture completely and living a trapped life, a trapped life he wasn’t strong enough to change.
Someone I Used to Know 